Another failed cycle. It stings, it tears at your heart. In the past, I would have pushed these feelings away and pretended that I was ok and had a “positive attitude.” It has 3 years since we began our journey of trying to conceive and this process has changed me. I see the world and myself though a different lens. I continue to hope and *try to believe* that we will have a child, however, I also need to feel #allthefeelings too. It is SO important to let yourself feel worry, doubt, pain, etc. Once you allow yourself to feel these things, you can begin to let them go. Yoga has taught me that: Acknowledge and let it go if it does not serve you. In the past, I would shove those feelings down and tell myself that everything is fine, but then those negative feelings you stuffed down POP back up (usually after a few beers :/) and they are more intense than before. So, now I am trying to heal. I will run through the timeline of my healing so far:
Thursday (BFN DAY): Acknowledge. Cry, Cry, Cry, let myself feel the love of all those around me, sweat pants, sushi, red wine, TV (re-watching the OC!)
Friday: Go to work, let myself feel the love of friends and coworkers who surprised me with a 2lb bag of sour patch kids, flowers, a healing pin, and ALL the black coffee, hang out with my husband, eat cheeseburgers, #feelallthefeelings.
Saturday (today): Let it go. First hot yoga class since starting stims (I need to write a separate post about this because it was great), healthy lunch, massage, long walk with my dogs, evening on our back porch listening to my new favorite Pandora station (Angus and Julia Stone Radio).
Basically, my take away is that you need to feel how you feel. No one understands unless they have been through it themselves. They can empathize, but they may not be able to give you what you need. That is your job. Do what you need to do to feel #allthefeelings (I am totally obsessed with using the hashtag….sorry, im not sorry). Be kind to yourself and do what you need to do to heal. One of my yoga teachers always said “wherever you land, that’s where you are.” Wherever you are right now is exactly where you need to be, don’t push yourself, let yourself be.
Light, Love, and red wine,