One of the many delights of not being able to conceive is a general feeling of dislike and/or distrust of your body. In my experience, if you have had any body issues prior to this, it intensifies them. I have had trouble with my weight and body acceptance since graduating from college. My weight has generally fluctuated in my adult years, but a few weight watchers stints and my wedding kept it manageable.
After we got married, I really struggled to keep weight off. I stopped taking my antidepressants because we were going to start trying to conceive, which I’m sure also increased the emotional eating. In about a year I gained 20lbs and felt terrible. We were trying unsuccessfully to get pregnant and everywhere I looked others appreared to have an easy time and became pregnant immediately.
I began seeing a trainer to help get my body ready For pregnancy because i wanted to be the healthiest possible for my baby. I lost a lot of the weight, but then we were hit with the news that we would be unlikely to have kids naturally due to my AMH/FSH issues and L’s sperm motility and count. This news, plus the addition of fertility meds caused what would end up being a 2 year yoyoing with my weight.
My most recent weight gain started with my miscarriage in late 2015. I slowly started to put on more weight and ended up having to go back on antidepressants, which have caused even more weight gain. I am now close to my heaviest weight, which is beyond frustrating. I know weight shouldn’t matter, but it matters a lot to me. I feel very unattractive and uncomfortable. I’ve been slacking with my yoga due to injury (if you follow my instgram, you know about my fall down the stairs).
I know that I should try to do something to feel better, but sometimes I feel like the more I try, the more I fail (I know, sounds like our infertility journey, my therapist would agree!). I started back on weight watchers, going to look into the serotonin power diet to help with antidepressant weight gain, and most of all practice yoga. During a vinyasa flow, is really the only time I love my body and feel beautiful. I would love to be able to take that off the mat with me. Right now I am just returning from a glutton filled Nashville trip, so I am feeling a little worse and a lot more bloated than usual. I hope I will feel better soon and not so hopeless. I see my therapist on Monday and she always helps.
Love light and self loving thoughts.