So, as I mentioned in my earlier post, I’ve fallen off the yoga wagon and can’t get back up! Until December, I was in a regular yoga practice and was really feeding my spirituality. I was in a self development book club, I tried mediation, I had crystals, I read Gabby Bernstein, and I needed all this to center myself, as I was living with the pain of infertility: desperately wanting to be a parent but unable to be one. Then an amazing thing happened, we got an email and M came into our lives. I was finally a mother (forever and always grateful to M’s birth parents). Naturally things changed the day we were able to take M home. No longer did I have the time or freedom to attend yoga classes each day. I also struggled with attending anything that required me to be at a certain place at a certain time. L (the husband) is obsessed with the gym and needs to go at least 4-5x each week to be a human, so my workout schedule somewhat revolved around him and it was difficult to get out of the house at a specified time. I also just wanted to spend all my time with little M. My maternity leave flew by and M grew like a weed and I was so wrapped up in motherhood that I lost yoga and my spirituality. This all was compounded when I went back to work in April and suddenly had no free time and wanted to soak up time with M after work.
Now that I am off for the summer and M is continuously growing and on a schedule, I have had the chance to think about what I have lost among all that I have gained. First off, I want to start off by saying how grateful I am to be M’s mother. He is a joy in my life and I thank the universe and god each day that his birth parents pick us to parent him. However, in addition to being his mother, I am also my own person. As he grows, I want him to experience freedom and to see that his mother is not dependent on him for her happiness. He makes me tremendously happy, but he should not be the only source of happiness or love in my life. So this leads me to think about what is missing in my life and what do I need to be whole.
Things that cause sadness and frustration for me right now are my current weight, my anxiety/depression, and the lack of spirituality in my life. Since we took M home, my fitness and health were not my number one priority. Its almost like I am experiencing a reverse pregnancy now that we have M. Although my anxiety and depression are actually in a good place (thanks to the gift of M, therapy, and medication), the medication I am on causes weight gain. Le sigh. My psychiatrist basically said that it would be really really really hard to lose weight right now. So, its not so much my anxiety/depression causing me frustration as it is my frustration over the side effects of my happiness. I haven’t been nurturing the spiritual side of myself. In the past, I have done things through reading, acupuncture, mediation, yoga, crystals, etc. I would love to get this side of myself back, but I am not quite sure how. To be completely honest, I was struggling with my relationship with yoga even before we brought M home.
In early December, I started to get “bored” with yoga. I tended to take the same class at my studio, which followed a strict format of sun a, sun b, sun b variation, stretching/cool down/balance, and savasana. I just felt the monotony and it got harder to motivate myself to go to class before work. At then when we brought M home, it was really hard to make it to class. But now I miss it. I miss it so much. I want to get into practice again, but have the following questions/problems: Where do I go? (We moved and there are a few studios nearby but none seem like the perfect fit) When do I go? (I can’t go before work anymore, as I drop M off at daycare) What happens if I become bored again? (I am the most nervous about this one for some reason!). Now I am the queen of overthinking, so I’m sure I could come up with even more questions. But I need to make up my mind to do something. So lets get to action.
- Attend yoga class Saturday and Sunday (L can work around MY schedule!!) each week it is possible (we are out of town this week-but I would like to try and do yoga at least one time that we are away-there is a great studio in our vaycay spot)
- I will experiment and try the different studios. I think its important for me to realize that yoga does not always have to be athletic, vinyasa yoga to be beneficial for me!
- Read meditations from the mat before each class
- Consider restarting my self development book club.
- Reconnect with meditation, trying to mediate at least 1x each day.
- Spend some time outdoors each
- Try to write one blog post each week
- Recharge my crystals
- Sage my new home and my own home
WOW. Total OM in my oven right now. Ok, M is up from his nap and I need to get started on these #goals.