Dearest friend with kids, 

I love you. I know I have been absent lately and have not been as involved in your life. I’m sorry. I wish I was there right after each of your children were born! I wish I could’ve been on the phone with you frequently hearing about your love of being a mother and helping you through your struggles. I wish I could’ve cheered you on as you mastered a sleep schedule or feeding. I wish your kids knew me so well that they called me Auntie. I wish I saw them often enough to see how they have grown and celebrate that with you. I wish I could’ve been there more and I am sad to know that I can never get those days back. 

During one of the happiest times of your life, I have been having one of the worst of mine.  I am not saying motherhood has been easy or simple for you. I know it comes with challenges, but I also know there is overwhelming joy knowing that you created this little miracle and in all the ways your life has changed. Friend, I wish I had that too. I wish I created a little miracle and that I could be navigating through a perfectly messy and exciting time!  

While you got to see a positive sign on that pregnancy test, I saw only one line. When your body has grown and changed shape due to the little miracle you created, mine has too, but because of food, hormone treatments, and antidepressants. When you got to see the birth of your child and notice miniature versions of your eyes and your husband’s nose combined on a perfect, little face, I have been counting my follicles hoping that I had enough to continue with an IVF cycle.  When you have been learning how to be a parent as they days go on, I have been applying to be a parent through adoption; advertising ourselves and opening up all areas of our lives for scrutiny just to be given a chance. I am not trying to make you feel bad for me or feel that I am blaming you and I hope you don’t feel hurt. You deserve all the happiness in the world and I’m sorry I haven’t always been there to experience it with you. 

Even though I haven’t been present, I still see you. I see what a wonderful mother you are through your Facebook posts, instagram feed, and funny snaps. I see your love for your child in every post, photo and text. I see these things from afar, to minimize my pain and jealousy. Sometimes it hurts too much to be too close, but I promise you it does not mean that I don’t see you. Please know that I love you and your family, even if I seem distant. Know my distance isn’t because of you and it hurts me too. How I wish I could’ve been there for it all. How I hope that I can be better in the future, but I know the pain is still there. 

Love, 

your (infertile) friend