This Christmas Eve we find ourselves waiting to see if our adoption plan will go through. We find out Wednesday at 1:30. Today is Sunday. Christmas Eve.

It takes me back to 3 years ago where we were waiting too. I was pregnant, about 8 weeks and we were waiting to see why the baby’s heart rate dropped significantly on 12/23. That Christmas was terrible. I had to pretend to be happy while I excused myself to go cry in the bathroom. We had a doctors appt the 28th to check the baby again. Waiting over the holidays was torture- not knowing what was going to happen, stuck in the in between, wondering if I was pregnant or not. I just remember the pain, not physical at all but the emotional weight of the pain of potentially losing the child we had hoped for, for so long. We lost that baby and I had a D&C on January 2nd.

Now, three years later, we are in the same spot with the same pain, except we are waiting to see if our birth parents will sign surrender and choose adoption. Every minute is spent wondering if they will have a change of heart, wondering if we will get to parent baby M. Surrender can’t be signed until Wednesday because of the holiday. So we are just stuck in purgatory, wondering what is happening and what will happen.

I can’t put into words how scary this time is, especially given our experiences in the past. I pray that this adoption goes through. I pray that baby M will be ours. I pray that the birth parents have peace with their decision, I pray that we get some clear signs that the outcome will be positive for us, I pray that we have moments of peace during this waiting period.

Probably more posts from me later as we ride out this wait and this holiday.